and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
