you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
