The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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