I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
