I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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