eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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