I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
