so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
