I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
