Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
