is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
4 words: hood of his car
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
