oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pants are for mortals
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