we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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