we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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