I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
