70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
