Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you didnt know i had herpes?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dear god my vagina.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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