he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
