The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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