i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
