Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
