Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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