I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
