just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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