Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
