i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
