i wish my penis had a tongue
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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