I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
