I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
