I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
