someone threw a dead crab at me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
