Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
