The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
