my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize