They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
