I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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