hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
