first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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