There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
