i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
