I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
