If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
