Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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