If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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