I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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