I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
