My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
