Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Of course I have a pirate flag
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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