did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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