She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
