I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
