i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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