The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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